not a year older

with only hours before i finally turn into a full adult (chronologically and therefore physically), i sit here again in a computer shop desperately trying to empty myself of hate or love or any strong, stirring emotion i have. aside from the fact that i grow old a year tomorrow, there's really nothing very special. as of now.

i have mastered a couple of things as i grow up. i learned to ride a bike. i learned to use a computer for 4965 different jobs. i could make my younger sibs follow my commands (whapak!) [of course who cuddled them when they cried when they were little?]. i can make a meal for my own consumption [keywords: fat, trans fat, carbs]. i can actually be a chemical engineer someday. and sadly, i have mastered the art of hurting people.

lots of times i've been confronted. they call me tactless and hurtful. of course i should have learned to be a better person. but did i?

i get too harsh at times. but that's who i am. i know my limits. i try not to hurt people. i always give way (not really, but most of the time). people who really, really know me should know that i am the one who sacrifices. i am patient. i control myself. i defer anger until it dissipates. most of the time.

it pains me to think that i have not been a good friend. not just recently, but i have not been a good friend ever.

i should suffer the consequences. and i will.

damn it.